so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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