you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
