Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
