Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
