I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
