he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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