I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
