i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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