Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
