She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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