I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
