My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
