My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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