I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
