If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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