Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
But theres a keg here and me gusta
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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