I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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