I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
