Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
