i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
