just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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