checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
