he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
