New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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