I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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