All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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