I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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