I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Is Oprah even human
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
