its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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