The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
