Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
