You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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