i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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