I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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