I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
