Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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