Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
