sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
