girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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