Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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