I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
