Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
