Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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