Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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