I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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