found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
