My liver just broke up with me...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
