I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
