Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
We smell like vodka and hangover
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