I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
