Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
