I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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