He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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