He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My ass is underappreciated
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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