I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
