just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
