His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize