I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
