I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
