for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
