i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
