I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
