we have pet lesbian snakes
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
