I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize