where does the pee come out of this thing
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
