Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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